


Feel

by GreyLoveliCat



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Depression, Drug Addiction, I wrote this while i was sleep deprived, Langst, M/M, Maybe - Freeform, The feels, Unrequited Love, im sorry, trigger warning, who knows - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-23
Updated: 2018-09-23
Packaged: 2019-07-15 21:17:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16071524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GreyLoveliCat/pseuds/GreyLoveliCat
Summary: Lance is spiraling and all he wants to do is sleep.





	Feel

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING don't say I didn't tell you so. Don't hate me because of this. I love Lance so much. He is a good boi. But ya know, everyone loves a good Langst every once in a while. Who is to stop me from writing it.
> 
>  

First I lost you, now I’m lost in the drugs  
Pop this, take that ‘til I feel numb  
All I ever wanted was to be yours  
All I ever wanted was to feel love  
But I’m six pills in and I feel fine

 

Lance watched Keith leave to be with the Blades and all he could feel was guilt. Guilt that maybe Keith was pulling away so Lance would feel more at home… more accepted within the team and it hurt. Keith was slowing becoming Lance’s best friend and having him leave left a void inside of him. Even if Lance considers Keith his “best friend,” he was fully and completely in love with him. Not that he would ever admit to it, but you know, it didn’t help. It had been a couple of months and Lance’s fantasies of Keith have started to consume him. His wavy black hair, dark purple eyes, his stupid fingerless gloved hands, his hips… his lips, everything about him. And thinking about him was starting to be painful in more ways than one.  
Without Keith there, he really didn’t have another person to talk to one on one and it was really getting to him. Slowly the once perky Lance was pulling away and being replaced by a somber one. Not that anyone seemed to notice anyway. Lance didn’t even really notice it himself. He had outlets but slowly but surely they dwindled. Writing it down was slowing losing its appeal, and training it off would only remind him of Keith, forget trying to talk it out with his team mates it seemed kind of redundant at this point. And let’s not mention sleeping, because that seemed to not be working either. His lonely star gazing would only do so much before it became depressing. For a last ditch effort, he decided to go see Coran and ask if he had anything that could even remotely help with getting a full night's rest. Maybe then he would have the energy to make it through whatever he was going through. And to his luck, Coran did.  
Since Lance is human and not altean, he needed only take half of a pill because their physiology is different. And man, did he sleep. For once he was feeling peaceful and not irritated or restless. Slight problem though, it seemed that being human, Lance’s body built up a dependency to the sleeping pill, but he didn’t care. Once his gained tolerance to half a pill, he went up to a full one. Slowly Lance stopped taking them for sleep and started taking them just to feel numb. Loving Keith hurt and the pills were helping curb that pain.  
Seeing him in short video conferences made all the emotions feel like whiplash and sometimes it was too much. Lance wanted Keith to come back but he knew he had a job to do with the Blades so he didn’t say anything. He would just walk back to his room after the war meetings and take the pills. He would daydream that maybe Keith liked him back. That he would want to go on dates eventually. Hold hands. Kiss. Possibly have sex. But Lance was just deluding himself if he really thought Keith could love someone like him back. All Lance was a ball of baggage that had an addiction problem and was spiraling out of control. Who could ever love someone like that?

Can’t stop thinking ‘bout when you were still mine  
I just don’t know what to do now  
Guess I’ll take another one just to kill time  
Can’t feel my face and I can't move  
But they say you can’t love what you can’t lose

Lance’s chest always feels tight and short of breath and three pills was no longer cutting it. He tried stopping them in hope that maybe he might be fine without them. How very wrong. Even if he was able to fall asleep, he was plagued with nightmares and would wake up in a cold sweat. His body would get feverish and the shivering seemed to never stop. He tried for two days, and they were the worst two days of his life. Even if the fevers, the sweating and shivers weren’t back the nightmares were hell. It was anything from Keith hating him to watching his family die before his eyes and not being able to do anything about it. Just Zarkon telling him he failed to do what’s right so he ended their lives. He added the fourth pill on the third day and the nightmares were gone.  
Everything that made up what Lance was as a person was becoming diluted. He became uninterested in everything. Talking, eating, training, even eventually hygiene. All he wanted was to feel numb and to sleep, but even all through that his feelings for the man that left remained and it was slowly killing him. 

So I’m sitting here trapped in my own thoughts  
Now I can’t feel all ‘cause of you  
You ever so lost that you feel alone  
You ever scared to end up on your own  
You ever get hurt till you can’t feel  
I ain’t never had a place I can call home

He vaguely remembers that he is supposed to be in another war meeting to discuss what they were going to do about Lotor but Lance would rather sit in his own room in the dark. He didn’t care what they did with Lotor if he was honest, he didn’t care what they did at all. At this point he was so trapped in his own mind he didn’t notice anything that was going on around him anymore. A small sliver of his mind was telling him to get help from his friends because this isn’t healthy but that same sliver was also scared that his friends might abandon him if he told them what was going on. And he really did not want to be alone. Not again. Because more than anything, it still hurt deep down. Being rejected by so many people. His parents, most of his classmates from the Garrison, all the people he flirted with and had an obvious crush on, Shiro. Lance was losing his stance as the right hand of Voltron and being replaced by Allura and Lotor. Shiro would no longer look at him and that in itself felt like he lost his mentor, hero, and home all in one go.

 

But it’s really hard to think about you  
Can’t breathe, can’t eat, can’t sleep without you,  
And they all say I lost myself tryna find you  
But I’m not me without you, look  
I don’t want to go through it no more  
I don’t want to do it no more  
I just took all these pills

Now all Lance did was avoid anything that remotely made him think of Keith. Even getting into Red’s cockpit was steadily getting increasingly difficult. He just felt like he was drowning wherever he went. He wanted Keith so bad but him not being there made Lance disappear. Darkness was steadily closing in and nothing Lance or anyone else could do would be able to stop it now. Voices of his fellow Paladins flowed past him like a rushing current, he could no longer hear them. And eventually when they had enough of him not verbally responding they stopped asking how he was altogether. Now everything Lance did was routine. Wake up, walk to the mess hall to nibble at breakfast, walk back to his room and change into his armor, take his pills, brush his teeth and hair, walk to the war room, take orders, fly his lion to missions, fly back and go back to his room and sleep. Repeat.  
After being like this for weeks, pretty much all of Lance’s hope was gone. Lance gave up on hearing his voice in person again, feeling his warmth, seeing his hair, his smell, everything. Lance was almost at the end of his rope and he was ready to let go. Ready to take all the pills he has left and wait to see what happens. Ready to give into his darkness and say goodbye to the pain. Because, if Lance was honest, a life where Keith could never love him is a life he does not have the will to live in.

Fuck love fuck life I can’t do it no more  
Think I’m fading out  
Please don’t let go ‘cause I’m fading out  
Please don’t let me go ‘cause I’m fading out  
Please don’t let go ‘cause I’m fading out

Lance walked into his room and starts a bath and hearing the tub filling with water brings back nostalgia of when he would take one on a regular basis. Back before all this mess happened, back before he didn’t worry if his feelings were going to destroy him. He reaches for the faucet and feels the water’s temperature and decides he wants it a little warmer before he puts his floral bath oils in it. The sound of rushing water relaxes him and finds peace in the noise. When Lance deems the tub full enough, he turns off the faucet and sets the pill bottle and a glass of water next to the tub. He walks back to his room and tidies up his bed and closet, making sure everything is neat so it won’t be difficult for anyone else to clean up. After a couple of minutes he does a once over his room and deems it clean he walks back into the bathroom. He catches his reflection in the mirror and almost doesn’t recognise himself. He has deep bags under his eyes, his hair and skin look lifeless, and he has obviously lost weight just from looking at his face. He is no longer the pretty boy he thought he once was. Just a dull, faded memory.  
He sighs to himself and walks past the mirror to the tub and gets in. Clothes and all. Lance wanted to save himself some dignity even if it’s not being nude. Once he is lied back and relaxed in the water he reaches for the pill bottle and uncaps it and reaches to take two pills out. He decided that he was going to take two pills every ten minutes to have a slow end before he even got into the bath. He wanted to make sure he remembered everything while he faded out. To make sure this is what he really wanted. And to maybe see if anyone will come in and find him before he completely ends it in about forty minutes.  
Twenty minutes into his plan and he starts reminiscing about all the events that lead him to being a Paladin of Voltron. The good and the bad, he takes it all in. Pidge, Hunk, Shiro, Allura, Coran, Matt, Sam and finally Keith. Lance wishes everyone a happy ending even if he is not there to witness it happen he still prays for it. He hears his timer go off and reaches for the bottle once more to take two more pills, then resets his phone one more time.  
Lance starts to feel a little dizzy as the pills are fast acting and this is way more than he has taken before. He feels his pulse start to slow down and his vision get fuzzy be refuse to fall asleep because there is a high chance it might not work if he passes out now. He thinks of Keith once again and that in turn ignites a panic attack. He wants Keith back. He wants him here with him desperately. He doesn’t want to feel alone anymore. He doesn’t want to let go of him or he doesn’t want to be let go of? Lance is not sure due to the drug making his mind foggy. The timer on his phone goes off for the last time.  
He reaches his phone and turns off the alarm and drops the device to the floor. Lance picks up the pill bottle for the final time and uncaps the it and grabs the last two pills. Once he has swallowed them he lies back down in the now cold water and closes his eyes. He feels his veins run to ice as the drugs kick in for the final time and his mind slowly fade into nothingness. 

Doing everything I can to feel something  
‘Cause everything I do feels like nothing  
Don’t know what to think  
Don’t know how to move  
‘Cause it don’t really make sense without you

Keith knows how he feels for Lance. He has for a very long time. Ever since he left the team and joined the Blades and even the two years he was on the whale with his mom. He loves Lance with his entire being and he would do anything for him. Even if it meant that he left his home to make him feel comfortable with their unconventional family. But when he returns to the Castle of Lions and finds that Lance is nowhere to be found and he became severely antisocial after he left, his heart broke. He really didn’t want to worry about Lance as soon as he got the the Castle Ship but worrying was an understatement. He was downright paranoid from what his friends were saying on how he has been acting the last few months.  
He has time. He hurriedly tells Krolia to relay all the information that they have gathered to the team while he goes and looks for Lance. Hunk was close behind but Keith told him he needed to stay because he needed to know the important information that Krolia and Romelle were going to tell them all he Keith wouldn’t be able to tell him while he was running around the ship looking for Lance. Hunk relented and walked back to the group. With one final glance back, Keith tore off running. He had an idea that Lance was in his room. It’s private and a space most people don’t invade, and you can lock the doors.  
Keith paled. He could lock the door. If he had to, he would cut down the door and apologize to Allura and Coran later. Keith was praying to all the deities he could think of in hopes Lance didn’t do anything bad yet. And with that thought Keith picked up speed. He has no idea what he would do if Lance was no longer around. He was the reason Keith was able to keep going in the Blades just in hopes that they will see each other again after the war was over.

Doing everything I can to feel something  
‘Cause everything I do feels like nothing  
Don’t know what to think  
Don’t know how to move  
‘Cause I don’t really make sense without you  
I don’t really make sense without you

 

It took Keith a little over two minutes to make in to Lance’s bedroom and you better think the he slammed his fist onto the switch to open his bedroom door. With a sigh of relief it opened but when he walked in the room was dark but strangely really clean. He didn’t have time to dawdle on small details such as a clean room. He looked up to see the bathroom door was closed but the light was shining from underneath it. He jammed the switch to open the bathroom door and to his horror to find Lance in the bathtub unconscious and a pill bottle not too far from his hand.  
He practically trips over to the tub and starts checking Lance’s vitals. Shallow breathing, slow and uneven pulse, low body temperature, and that’s not including the obvious weight loss and dark circles under his eyes. Keith almost cried for joy when he saw Lance flutter his eyes open. Keith started tapping Lance’s face to make him notice him, to see if he could wake him up enough to talk. It was barely working, all Lance would do is grunt in annoyance and turn his face away from Keith.  
“Lance, I need you to wake up for me, buddy. Please wake up,” Keith could feel the tears running down his face as he watched the man he loved literally dying in his arms. Keith had to do something else. He looked at the pill bottle then back up at Lance, an idea popped in his head. Keith placed his arms in the frigid water and under Lance to pick him up and carry him to the toilet. Lance stirred a bit and opened his eyes. He weakly pushed against Keith’s arms but Keith wasn’t having it. He gently propped Lance up over the toilet and Keith proceeded to shove his fingers in Lance’s mouth and down his throat.  
He was hoping, whatever the pills were, were not all digested and to his relief, they were not. Two were completely whole and two more were only partially digested. He hugged Lance tightly to his body just to reassure himself that Lance was very much alive and not dead due to a suicide attempt. He felt Lance move his arms up to untangle himself from him and to start throwing up again. Keith in this instance really didn’t mind the sight or the sound, it just felt like a huge relief. Because if Lance was not alive his live would no longer make sense.


End file.
